Jimmy Chiang drives west on the 10 freeway, over the 405. His stepdaughter is in the backseat. She is seven years old. Her name is Scharlene.
Scharlene says: Where’s daddy?
Jimmy doesn’t want to tell her where her father really is. But Jimmy also doesn’t want to lie to her about where her father is. He doesn’t want to lie because he had promised her to always tell her the truth. He made the promise when her father, Paul, first introduced them. Jimmy had knelt down and tried to shake her hand, but she wouldn’t shake his hand. He then told her that he respected her suspicion. He couldn’t tell if she understood what he was saying. She didn’t look like she understood. That was when Jimmy promised always to tell her the truth, which she seemed to understand better.
Two years into it, Jimmy kept his end of that deal. It was easier than he expected, until today. Today, he starts by trying to tell Scharlene what Paul told him to tell her, that Paul is sick and left to go get better. This is not untrue, but it’s also not really true either.
Jimmy then tries to tell her the whole truth: Paul left to go live in Chengdu, China. No, they are not going with him. Yes, Jimmy is Chinese, Chinese American. No, Jimmy has never been to Chengdu and actually had never heard of it before Paul’s news. As for Scharlene, Scharlene is now supposed to go live with Priscilla, Scharlene’s mother, whom she hasn’t seen since she was a baby.
Jimmy doesn’t tell her any of that either.
Scharlene looks at him for a couple seconds. Jimmy looks back at Scharlene. Then Scharlene looks out the window.
Jimmy exhales and goes back to trying to figure out where he’s going.
He’s heading towards Priscilla’s apartment, or at least the last place he remembers that Priscilla lived. He takes his cell phone out and tries calling her. He’s not sure if he has the right number. He hasn’t talked to Priscilla in a long time. The phone rings. Nobody answers. It goes to voicemail. The voicemail is not Priscilla’s voice. It’s the robot voice. The robot voice recites the number. Jimmy hangs up.
Jimmy can’t remember the name of Priscilla’s street. He knows it was close to a small airport. He finds the airport. He circles the airport. Planes fly overhead. They look like old-timey planes. Small, noisy propeller planes. Then Jimmy passes Sendagaya Station. Sendagaya Station is the bar they used to go to. When he sees Sendagaya Station, the directions come back to him. He turns a corner onto Priscilla’s street. Then about halfway down the block, he finds Priscilla’s apartment building.
The apartment building looks the same as Jimmy remembers. It’s a two-story complex with ten units, maybe twelve. It looks the same except now there’s a chain-link fence and the lawn has been paved over.
Priscilla was in apartment number one. It’s on the first floor, up in front, facing the street. Its door is closed but the curtains are open. Jimmy can see someone through the window. It looks like Priscilla, but he’s not sure.
He puts the car in park but leaves the engine running. He checks on Scharlene. She’s asleep. He takes another look at the building. He takes out his cell phone and dials Priscilla’s number again. This time someone answers.
Jimmy says: Pri? Is this Priscilla Kong?
Priscilla says: Who’s this?
Jimmy sighs. He can see Priscilla now, through the window talking on her cell phone. They talk for a minute, maybe two.
They start with small talk: How are you? Oh my god. It’s been so long. It has. I’ve been okay. How’s Paul. Oh. How’s the baby.
Then after the small talk: Oh. China? What? The baby’s still here in LA. No. I don’t know. I don’t.
Priscilla says: Wow.
Jimmy says: Paul wants you to take her.
Priscilla says: No?
Jimmy says: That’s what he said.
Priscilla says: Wow, Jim. It’s really a bad time though. I’m actually up north right now. On a job. Don’t really know when I’ll be back in LA.
Jimmy sighs. He watches Priscilla pace.
Jimmy says: I’m outside your apartment. I can see you through your window.
Priscilla says: What? That can’t be, Jim. I’m in Fresno, man.
Jimmy gets out of the car, walks towards the building. He’s still on his phone. The car is still running.
Jimmy says: What are you doing? This is your child we’re talking about.
Priscilla doesn’t respond. Jimmy keeps walking.
Jimmy says: Pri? Come on.
Jimmy gets to her door and knocks. There’s no answer. He knocks again and shouts for Priscilla to answer. There’s no answer. He tries the doorknob. It’s locked. He stands at the door and waits for a second. He’s still holding his cell phone to his ear. He then walks over to the window and looks in. There’s not much to see, a big screen TV and a long couch. He doesn’t see Priscilla. He looks back at the car and worries if Scharlene is okay. He waits for a couple more seconds. He then hangs up his phone and puts it back in his pocket and walks back to the car.
Jimmy pulls into the beach parking lot. He turns off the engine. Scharlene wakes up when he turns off the engine. She asks again about Paul.
Jimmy says: Your dad’s not feeling well.
Scharlene looks at him. She doesn’t look like she believes him.
Jimmy says: Your dad’s getting some rest right now.
Jimmy doesn’t say anything more. He gets out of the car. He looks up. There’s a glare from the sun. His eyes adjust. He looks at Scharlene. She’s squinting. He puts a hat on her head. He looks at the hat. The hat’s a little crooked. He adjusts the hat and then pats her head and then helps her out of the car.
The two of them walk towards the boardwalk. Scharlene seems tense. Her shoulders are hunched. She has her hands balled up into fists. Jimmy stops and kneels down. He takes one of her hands. She relaxes it. He puts his hand over hers. She grabs on, looks worried. Then a man on a bicycle rides by with a loud radio strapped onto his handlebar. Scharlene flinches.
Jimmy says: You’re okay.
Scharlene doesn’t say anything back. Jimmy thinks maybe they should go home. He tells her again that she’s okay. She still seems uncomfortable, but she starts walking.
Jimmy is self-conscious as they make their way past a crowd in the parking lot. It’s obvious that Jimmy and Scharlene are not related. Jimmy is chubby. Jimmy is also skinny at the same time. He thinks he looks like a crab, a short, fat torso and long spindly legs. Meanwhile, Scharlene looks like Paul. Her shoulders are square. Her arms and legs sinewy. She has a square jaw and rounded cheekbones, yellow hair and blue eyes. Jimmy imagines the crowd’s suspicion, or at least curiosity. What’s the deal with this Chinese guy and this little white kid? But no one says anything.
The two of them reach the end of the parking lot. They go up the wooden steps to the boardwalk. Jimmy thinks the boardwalk is a place for tourists. He calls it a capitalist carnival.
Jimmy says: Real LA people don’t come here.
Scharlene says: We’re not real LA people?
Jimmy laughs, and they both seem to loosen up a little bit.
They get up to the boardwalk. Scharlene looks around. There’s a lot for her to see.
Jimmy says: Go ahead. Whatever you want.
Scharlene looks up at Jimmy with a questioning look on her face. Jimmy isn’t usually this relaxed about his money.
Jimmy says: Yes, I mean it.
She doesn’t go, but she leans forward a little. Jimmy lets go of her hand and gives her a soft push. She doesn’t budge. He takes her hand again.
Jimmy says: Okay. We’ll do this together.
The two of them go. First, they play carnival games. They don’t win anything. Jimmy jokes that the games are rigged. Scharlene doesn’t seem to understand what he means.
Next, they ride carnival rides. The rides are shaky. Surprisingly, Scharlene isn’t scared on the rides. This reminds Jimmy of Paul, brave when it comes to physical things.
Next, Jimmy buys her a conch shell. Scharlene holds it to Jimmy’s ear. Jimmy doesn’t hear anything.
Jimmy says: I don’t hear anything.
Scharlene laughs. Jimmy then buys her a blue parasol. It gets blown away by a gust of wind. Jimmy offers to buy another one, but Scharlene says, no thank you. Then Jimmy buys her a framed polaroid picture of Scharlene next to a cardboard cutout of the mighty Thor, because they both agree it looks like Paul.
Slowly, they work their way to the quiet end of the boardwalk. Scharlene stops at a woman sitting on a heavy blanket. The blanket has wooden toys on it. Scharlene looks at each toy. Some are animals. Some are people. Some are things like cars or treasure chests. Scharlene picks up a boat.
Scharlene says: I like this one.
The woman says: It’s gopher wood.
Jimmy says: Like Noah’s Ark?
Jimmy laughs and then reaches out and takes the boat from Scharlene.
Jimmy says: Maybe I’ll keep this one for my office.
Scharlene snatches the boat back from Jimmy’s hand.
Jimmy shouts at her before he can stop himself.
Jimmy says: No!
Scharlene is startled. She looks down. Her eyes get teary. She holds the boat out to Jimmy.
Jimmy exhales and rubs his face. He looks at Scharlene. She looks scared but also angry. He puts both hands on the boat. He tries to push the boat back to her. He tries not to push too hard. Scharlene resists by locking her elbows. The pointy end of the boat digs into the palm of Jimmy’s hand. He pushes the boat a little bit hard, but Scharlene still won’t take it back.
Jimmy stops pushing. He looks at her and wants to say that this is all unfair. That he’s not the bad guy here. He’s the good guy. He wants to grab hold of Scharlene and tell her that he is the good guy here. He wants to make her see that. He can feel his eyes tear up now. He wants to break the boat. He squeezes the boat very hard, but it doesn’t break.
He exhales, and then he breathes in. He exhales again. He relaxes his hold on the boat.
Jimmy says: Good, quick reflexes. Like a cat.
Jimmy does not like cats, but he knows Scharlene likes cats. When he talks about cats, he thinks it’s some kind of code to let her know that the two of them are on the same team. He doesn’t know if she understands.
Jimmy gives the boat back to Scharlene. She holds it for a second and then puts it back down on the woman’s blanket. Jimmy exhales again, but now not so much in a frustrated way as in a tired way. He thinks about how sensitive Scharlene and Paul are. How can such physically strong people be so emotionally fragile?
Jimmy takes out his billfold.
Jimmy says: How much for the boat.
The woman frowns.
The woman says: Six dollars.
Jimmy gives her a ten and says to keep the change. The woman takes the money without thanking him. He picks up the boat with one hand and reaches out his other hand to Scharlene. She takes it. They walk back down the boardwalk. They don’t talk for a little while. Then, Scharlene starts talking about the rides and then the candy and then the umbrella. Jimmy nods his head. He’s still a little mad, but also happy that things seem back to normal.
By the time they get to where the tarmac meets the sand, Scharlene looks tired. Jimmy puts her things into his backpack. He takes out a pack of cigarettes and shakes it. There’s one cigarette left. He takes it out and then puts it back. Then he puts the backpack back on. Then he picks Scharlene up and puts her up on his shoulders.
Jimmy looks out across the beach as he walks. He’s surprised at how big everything looks. The sand seems to go on forever like some desert out of the Bible. And the sky too. It stretches out like a big blue tarp. Then, he thinks, the ocean is like God, mumbling in some secret language.
Jimmy keeps walking. He feels the sand spray behind him. Scharlene is still on his shoulders. When they get close to the water, Jimmy finds a dry spot. He places Scharlene onto her feet. He rolls up his pants legs, opens the backpack, and takes out a clipboard. He starts to dig out a flat spot.
Jimmy says: The base.
He starts piling wet sand on to the base. He forms it into a stack of blocks.
Scharlene seems to realize what he’s doing.
Scharlene says: Sandcastle?
Jimmy stands up.
Jimmy says: Correct. And you are in charge of hydration.
Scharlene looks at him.
Jimmy says: Get the water.
Scharlene nods.
Jimmy says: This is not a child’s job. This is real work. Are you sure you can handle it?
Scharlene salutes him.
Scharlene says: Yes, sir.
Jimmy laughs.
He salutes back.
He hands her the bucket. Scharlene goes into the surf, splashing her feet as she goes. She gets about waist high and starts to fill the bucket. Then a wave comes and knocks her off balance. The water spills. She fills the bucket again. The same thing happens. She looks up at Jimmy. Jimmy can tell she is frustrated. He thinks it’d be easier to get the water for her, but instead he pretends not to see her, making a show of carving out the notches on the castle walls.
Scharlene frowns and halfheartedly scoops at the water. The bucket fills halfway and then gets dumped out and then gets filled halfway again. Then a wave comes in. Scharlene holds the half-full bucket, and it doesn’t spill. Her eyes widen. She looks up to Jimmy. She wraps her arms around the bucket. She lugs it up through the surf, up the shore, and back to the castle. When she gets to Jimmy, he takes the bucket and pours it out around the castle.
Jimmy says: We’ll need more.
He looks at her from the corner of his eye. She claps her hands together and hurries back to the water. Jimmy goes back to work. He keeps a cigarette hanging from his lip. Scharlene gets more water. Jimmy keeps acting like he’s too busy with his own work to notice how happy she is. Scharlene doesn’t seem to mind the lack of attention. This goes on for a while. Then, before he knows it, Jimmy is almost done. He’s just finishing the tower. The tower is tricky because it’s so tall and also skinny. Jimmy takes his time. He just has one more thing to do, a little window on the top floor.
Jimmy says: That will be your room, Charley.
Scharlene nods.
Scharlene says: What about your room?
Jimmy thinks. He thinks he needs a big room for all his books. He also thinks he’d like nice lighting, and also a view of the ocean. Keeping all that in mind, he points to the southwest corner of the castle.
Jimmy says: That will be my office. So I can watch the sunset.
Scharlene says: That’s a good one.
She looks up at Jimmy.
Scharlene says: And daddy?
Jimmy says: Your dad? Well, what about your mom?
Scharlene looks at Jimmy like she doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Jimmy says: Your mom might want a room in the castle.
Scharlene says: No, you know my mom doesn’t live with us.
Jimmy says: Oh. Okay.
Scharlene says: What about daddy though?
Jimmy says: Daddy? Well, as for your dad. Let me see.
Jimmy looks around the castle. He tries to picture Paul in the tower with Scharlene or in the office with him, but both of those feel wrong. He tries to picture Paul in the courtyard, practicing sword fighting or bow and arrow or just having a laugh with the other knights. Paul would like that, but it’s still not quite right. Then Jimmy reaches into his backpack and takes out the toy boat. He holds it up in front of Scharlene. He points at the little steering wheel and captain’s chair.
Jimmy says: Here. Here is where Paul will live.
Scharlene takes the boat and holds it up to her face, right up to the tip of her nose.
Scharlene says: Here?
The two of them look at the boat. They look over the deck from front to back and to the front again. They focus in on the little captain’s chair.
Jimmy says: Yes. Here, right here.
Scharlene takes the boat to the castle. Scharlene looks over the sandcastle. She checks the top of the tower from a few different angles. Then she puts the toy boat on the top of it. She moves it around a little to make sure it’s level. When she’s done, she lays down on her stomach and rests her cheek on a warm pillow of dry sand.
Jimmy leans himself back onto his elbows. He takes out his last cigarette. He twirls it in his fingers. He imagines this tiny sandcastle version of his family. Scharlene is the princess. Paul is the king. Jimmy is also a king. Then he thinks that it’s odd to have the one king in a boat. It’s like a kind of a jail, but a safe and loving jail.
The tide quietly rises as Jimmy thinks about Paul in the boat. It creeps up the shore a little bit at a time, a little bit and a little bit. The sun starts leaning towards the horizon. Clouds float through the sky and pass in front of the sun. The sunbeams poke through the gaps. One beam shines onto Scharlene like it’s directed by some angelic stagehand.
The first wave to reach the castle just touches and then retreats. The next wave does the same. This goes on until a small corner of sand gives way and collapses. Jimmy sees this and looks to Scharlene. She gets up off the sand and goes around to the broken corner. She looks worried. Then, another wave comes and takes another chunk out of the same corner. Scharlene jumps back.
She runs over to Jimmy.
Scharlene says: The castle is breaking.
She says more, but it is hard to understand what she’s saying. She is already upset. Jimmy can feel himself getting upset because Scharlene’s getting upset. He feels like he has to fix this for her. Then he’s mad that he can’t. Then he realizes he’s really waited too long to tell her about Paul.
Jimmy says: Scharlene, sit with me for a minute.
She points to the castle.
Jimmy says: I need to tell you something. Something important.
She pulls his arm. She doesn’t seem interested in what Jimmy has to say. But Jimmy doesn’t budge. So, Scharlene sits.
Jimmy says: The world of adults is much more complicated than the world of children.
Scharlene says: I know that.
Jimmy says: Yes. You know that, but there are things you know here.
He taps her forehead.
Jimmy says: But that you don’t yet know here.
He taps her sternum.
Scharlene says: The heart.
Jimmy says: Yes. So, you understand what I’m talking about? You can know something like from a book or from a story, but it’s not the same until it happens to you.
Scharlene squints at him. Jimmy points to the toy boat.
Jimmy says: It’s like Noah. We teach it to children your age. You understand what happened. He collected the animals, the flood came, and he sailed in his boat until the flood was over. It’s a nice story. Right?
Scharlene says: There weren’t any sails on Noah’s ark.
This makes Jimmy laugh.
Jimmy says: So, for us it’s a fun story. But think about it for Noah. For Noah, it wasn’t fun. It was really scary. God tells him to do this very strange and scary thing. And he does it, but then he has to see everyone he’s ever known drown in the ocean. Gone. Everything. People he knew since he was little. His friends. His neighbors. His family. His mommy, and then his daddy.
Scharlene nods.
Scharlene says: Yes, yes, I understand.
But she’s only a kid. Jimmy doesn’t think she really understands.
Jimmy says: The ocean will take everything, eventually.
Scharlene looks at him with a confused look on her face.
Scharlene says: Not everything. The ocean didn’t take Noah.
Jimmy says: Well, I guess not.
Scharlene says: And the ocean didn’t take Noah’s animals.
Jimmy says: No, not them either.
This isn’t the point that Jimmy wants to make. He wants to explain something about loss to Scharlene, but maybe he’s not saying it right. He tries to think of a better way to say it, but nothing comes to mind. Meanwhile, Scharlene looks impatient.
Jimmy gets up. He puts his still unlit last cigarette in his mouth.
Jimmy says: Okay, then. Let’s get started.
They walk up the shore towards a pile of driftwood. Jimmy tells Scharlene they need the wood for a wall. She runs off to get the wood. Jimmy watches the waves come in. A small wave hits the castle and brings down what was supposed to be Jimmy’s office. Scharlene drops an armful of branches and runs towards the castle. Jimmy follows after her.
They work out a little system. Jimmy piles the branches while Scharlene sods the pile with wet sand. This holds for a while. The wall redirects the smaller waves and absorbs the bigger ones. But each wave breaks down a little bit of the wall. The sand melts and the wood gets washed away. The two keep working, but the tide keeps coming in deeper. Jimmy finds a long, paddle shaped branch. He uses the paddle to dig a trench about a foot in front of the castle. He calls it the moat. Scharlene does the same with the clipboard. Then she gives up on the clipboard and starts using her arms and legs to block the water, laying down as a human barricade.
This goes on for a while, but it is, as Jimmy knew from the start, a lost cause. Eventually, the tide comes in too far and overtakes the moat, then the wall, and then finally the castle itself. By this time, Scharlene can barely lift her arms to shoo away the water. She lays limp like a washed-up ocean animal. Jimmy comes and picks her up and carries her the four or five feet to dry land. She lifts her head up to look at Jimmy. He holds her by the armpits and looks into her eyes. She pats him on the top of his head.
Scharlene says: Good job, daddy.
Jimmy looks at her. He tilts his head to the side and wonders if she called him that on purpose, but it doesn’t seem like it.
Jimmy says: Good job to you.
Scharlene says: We’ll make another one tomorrow.
Jimmy says: Of course.
She pulls away and goes back to the water, about knee-high. She’s wobbly, but looks okay. Jimmy follows her. Together they step around, feeling with their feet for their castle, but it is all just flat smooth sand now.
As they feel around the ocean floor with their toes, Jimmy sees the toy boat float by. It sways with the tide, rushing towards the beach. Then it’s still for a second before being pulled back out. Jimmy tries to wade over to it. At about chest high, Jimmy closes in, but a receding pull takes the boat past his reach. He thinks he might be able to get to it if he swims. He might, he thinks, as he watches the boat float farther and farther away, until it’s lost in the swells and shadows.
And then he hears a voice through the noisy surf and wind.
The voice says: Jimmy!
Jimmy turns back to the shoreline. He sees Scharlene waving at him. What’s left of the sunlight shines on her. The noise from the ocean rumbles around him and it sounds a little bit like a song. Jimmy listens. Waves and waves and waves and then birds, some birds squawk as they fly overhead. Scharlene waves and waves. Jimmy waves back and starts to walk towards her.
Jimmy says: Charley. Are you okay?
He wipes water from her face and tucks her hair out of her face.
Scharlene says: I’m okay.
Jimmy says: I was, I don’t know. I was getting the boat. But I couldn’t reach it.
Scharlene says: It’s okay. I’m okay.
Jimmy picks her up and bounces her in the crook of his elbow to secure her balance. She wraps her arms around his neck and hugs him. He hugs her back. Then he starts walking to shore. They sway with the tide. When they get to the beach, they pass his backpack. Jimmy reaches down and picks it up with his free hand. He does this without slowing down. With the bag on one shoulder and Scharlene on his hip, everything feels balanced and light. Scharlene feels light. So light it’s as if he can toss her up into the air, and she’d float away. But he doesn’t toss her up into the air. He holds on to her. She leans her head on his shoulder. She’s quiet for a second, and then startles as if she fell asleep and then suddenly woke up.
Jimmy says: I’ve got you.
Scharlene nods and drops her head back onto his shoulder. As they make their way, she tells him what her favorite things about the beach are, and Jimmy picks the grains of sand out of her hair.
Pete Hsu is a first-generation Taiwanese American writer in Los Angeles. His stories have appeared in The Los Angeles Review, AAWW’s The Margins, F(r)iction Magazine, and others. He was a 2017 PEN America Emerging Voices Fellow and PEN in the Community’s Writer in Residence.