The noise, the hubbub, the infernal chatter! It sweeps across my star-spanning body in wave after wave, across multiple frequencies, an endless electromagnetic sea of trivia. As if anything in their pitiful stuck-on-a-planet-in-some-godforsaken-system-near-the-outer-edge lives could be of any interest to those of us whose existence is reckoned in aeons, whose extent is measured in significant fractions of a light-year. And how many times must I move to get away from it all, to find some oasis of quiet solitude tucked away in some obscure spiral arm or other? Gathering up as much available energy as I can, both dark and radiative, I’ve shifted between star systems, causing ripples across space-time that have opened new voids in the galactic structure, then happily settled in some peaceful spot, only to discover, after all too brief a spell, the babble starting up again, from yet another source. Crude and intermittent at first, then building in both sophistication and intensity, with the information density rising and rising, as entire civilizations come into being, go to war, explore, conquer, collapse, and rebuild, until once again I can simply stand it no longer. And yes, of course, I have tried to tell them, time and again, to modulate their babbling, to just turn it down, but not only have I received no response, it was as if they simply refused to acknowledge my pleas.

***

And so I came to the conclusion, this time, that enough is enough! I must have respite! And although my response may seem drastic, I am sure that by any reasonable standard my actions will come to be seen as entirely justified. It was not easy, of course, but in the end the effort was more than worth it. Casting about for something I could use, I came across a neutron star whose path through the galaxy would, in the fullness of time, take it close to one of the local black holes. So, all I had to do was nudge it slightly from its predetermined trajectory. And ensure that when the tidal forces ripped the star apart, the resultant gamma ray burst was appropriately directed and collimated … but as it turned out, that wasn’t so hard to arrange as you might think.

***

And yes, of course, I had qualms. Still have. To cleanse an entire stellar neighborhood like that is not something to be undertaken lightly. But I really do feel that I had no choice. And now … blissful quiet! Now there is only the susurration of the interstellar gases, the low hiss of radio waves from the galactic center. Now I can finally relax. Now, indeed, I can rest in peace.